The other day I asked my Facebook friends how old they are, how old their children are and if they want anymore. To my surprise, most people said yes! Not that I think it’s a bad choice to want many children at all, in fact I want Black people to procreate as much as possible. I just wasn’t expecting it.
I proudly left my own comment saying I’m 25, he’s 1.5yo and I absolutely, positively don’t want anymore children. In fact, I’d prefer my husband get a vasectomy just to ensure that I won’t get knocked up again. Then, I asked myself why do I feel this way? I’m alll for procreation and love to see beautiful Black babies. Why don’t I want to have anymore?
What I came up with was not much of a surprise to me… I’m afraid of losing myself again.
Children inevitably take a lot from us. They require a lot of our time, affection, attention, energy, etc. When I had my sun, I was soooo depressed and dark and numb. I didn’t enjoy motherhood at first. I had completely lost myself and sight of my goals and hated myself for it.
I’m afraid if I have 5 children, as I always imagined I would, I’ll lose so much of myself it’ll be too hard to find her again. I’m afraid that after child 4, hell even after child 2, I’ll be so consumed with being a mom, that I’ll have no more personal goals or accomplishments outside of my family and resent them for it.
I’m afraid that if I continue to reproduce, I’ll have no title outside of mom. And to me, that is misery.
Maybe I’m selfish, but I hear selfish people live longer.